Sleep Baby, Sleep
My head is filled with static as I stand at the window rocking my baby to the sound of my own zombie toned singing of the Moana theme song for the hundredth time that night. I am distracted by the discomfort of needing to pee for the last half an hour but know that as soon as I disrupt the rhythm of this rocking machine that all of my hard work form the last hour and a half will come undone.
Tears slide down my cheek and drop from chin onto the shiny black head in my arms. If only she knew, I think to myself as my husband grunts and rolls over in his sleep in the bed beside me. If only he knew.
I can’t hold my pee any longer and take the great risk of putting River down. As soon as her little blissed out body touches down on the mattress she tightens up and without opening her eyes lets it all out at the top her lungs.
She cries for me. She is confused and lonely and needs the warmth of her squishy mummy to ease her back into a sense of safety and security.
I am broken. I feel my post partum bladder taunt me and threaten to burst. My slow stream of tears has evolved into loud sobs. I am broken. I feel a tightness around my chest as the pressure starts to suffocate me. I want to scream. I want to sleep.
I can’t do this tonight. I’m about to lose the plot.
Frustrated, I pick River up, back into my tired old arms. She is overwhelmed and continues to cry out without fully waking up. We cry together as I walk to the bathroom defeated.
“It’s okay baby, mummy’s here. It’s okay. You’re okay” I repeat in a monotonous voice.
I look into the mirror as I pass the sink on the way to the loo and barely recognise the sagging grey face in the reflection.
River wakes up fully and opens her eyes as I sit myself down on the toilet. Her cries turn into hiccups as she blinks up at me. Her big blue almond shaped eyes stare up at me and she gives me the cutest little gummy grin. Suddenly I’m not so lonely. She pats my face and puts her little tiny finger up my nose. She latches onto my boob that’s still hanging over the top of my milk stained nightie and chugs away merrily. We sit like that for 10, maybe 15, maybe 20 minutes. I recline onto the toilet cistern behind me and let my eyes drift shut.
I’m so freakin tired… but I’m so freakin loved.